[ cheers and applause ] "jimmy fallon" happening right in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots cr.

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] amazing crowd. i applaud you as well. thank you very much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. [ scattered cheers ] let's get right to the news here. let's get right to the news. you guys watch the nfl season opener here on nbc last night? [ cheers ] did you watch it? bret favre made his season debut for the minnesota vikings. that's right. favre finished with 172 yards and 172 retirements. [ laughter ] go to commercial, come back, you don't know if he's playing. that's right, 40-year-old bret favre back on the field. i don't want to say bret's getting old, but before the coin toss, he pulled a quarter from behind the ref's ear.

[ laughter ] "cute, grandpa. thank you." [ light laughter ] this isn't good. it was reported today that president obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring during his white house press conference today. [ audience oohs ] i guess that makes press conference the second most difficult speech he's going to have to give this weekend. [ laughter ] "no, look, look, look. [ laughter ] um, look." i just heard about this. first lady michelle obama will give a tour of the white house garden to pbs in november. in a statement, sasha and malia said -- [ snoring ] [ laughter ] "the tomato plant is over here." [ snores ] this is pretty wild, a "playboy" center fold was tackled yesterday when she tried to open the emergency exit during a jet blue flight.

she must have put up quite a fight, because it took all 156 men on board to subdue her. [ laughter ] "i want to hold her down." "no, let me do it. my turn." "looks like she might be getting up." "you are hugging her, larry." "it doesn't matter. she might --" it's the end of an era, you guys. the final season of "the oprah winfrey show" will premier on monday. [ scattered applause ] i missed a few episodes here and there. but not to worry, i just brought the complete 90,000 dvd box set. [ laughter ] i will hunker down, get my dream journal out, and take care of business. listen to this, a woman in canada named hazel mccallion is running for her 12th term as mayor at age 89. [ scattered cheers ] i'm not sure about the new campaign slogan though, "hazel mccallion, where am i?" [ laughter ] i don't know where she stands on things, but i like it. this is pretty interesting, a

new study found that facebook users tend to be more narcissistic than others. yeah, when facebook users heard that, they were like, "you guys are talking about me? [ laughter ] cool." hey guys, playstation turned 15 this week. [ scattered cheers ] right. yep, i got the same thing i get every 15-year-old, an xbox. [ light laughter ] and finally, this is pretty crazy. a former "girls gone wild" cameraman has a tell-all book where he says that paris hilton once hid cocaine in her privates. is that hiding it? that's putting it in the place where it's most likely to get discovered. [ laughter ] more "late night" ladies and gentlemen. we have a great show, give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: hey, everybody. thank you so much. we are so psyched to have rock legend robert plant on the show next monday. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. founding member of a band called led zeppelin back in the day. he's continued to make awesome music. he's got a new album out. we've been playing it nonstop here around the office. anyways, we want to have you send in some video questions for monday's interview with robert plant. i know there are so many huge fans out there, so send in video questions to our website at latenightwithjimmyfallon.com and we'll pick the best ones to ask robert plant on monday's show. this will be awesome. thank you so much for that. [ cheers and applause ] you guys okay over there? roots, are you okay? kirk, you good? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right, very good. we have such a great finish to the week tonight, you guys. from broadway's "the addams family," the very funny, very talented, my man, nathan lane is in the house. [ cheers and applause ] i love that dude. huge fan.

we're thrilled to have the kardashians, kim and kourtney, plus their mom kris jenner. i love her, too. [ cheers and applause ] i love all three. they're all here. and from comedy central's "big lake," comedian chris gethart is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] he's an old friend. gonna be a fun show. thank you guys for watching. you know, today's friday, and that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i return some emails, i check my inbox and, of course, send out thank you notes. [ scattered cheers ] well, i'm running a bit behind. i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? do you mind? [ cheers and applause ] it will only take 45 minutes. thank you. [ light laughter ] appreciate it. roots, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ [ light laughter ] thank you.

thank you, nfl season, for starting this week and for finally making my habit of getting drunk at 11:00 in the morning every sunday seem perfectly normal. [ laughter ] thank you, "jersey shore," for recapping the scene that played before the commercials right after the commercials. [ laughter ] yes, i remember that time vinny called angelina a bitch, because it happened two minutes ago! [ laughter ] [ scattered cheers ] still pretty crazy the second time. [ light laughter ] ♪ [ light laughter ] thank you, guy wearing short shorts at my picnic -- [ laughter ]

-- for sitting with your legs open and inadvertently sunning your lizard for most of the day. [ laughter ] i can't wait to pay you back at your daughter's wedding next month. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, 14-year-old boy from westchester who punched a coyote in the face last week -- [ light laughter ] -- be careful because as we speak, that coyote is hatching an elaborate revenge plan involving a pair of rocket skates and a box of dynamite. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's true. i saw a documentary on it. >> steve: i saw that documentary, too. >> jimmy: was it on saturday morning? >> steve: yeah, yeah. about the acme corporation. [ light laughter ] crazy! >> jimmy: crazy documentary. ♪ [ light laughter ]

thank you, paper clips, for being like staples for people who can't commit. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] okay. [ light laughter ] ♪ thank you, prison, for sometimes sounding extremely relaxed. wait, you mean i don't have to work, i don't have to cook, and i don't have to deal with my family for eight to 10 years and i get to murder someone? [ laughter ] this is frigging awesome. [ light laughter ] i like prison, that's fun! [ applause ] ♪ thank you, guys who sneezed in

my face and said, "don't worry, it's just allergies." [ laughter ] i'm always comforted when people explains why their saliva is on my face. [ laughter ] "just allergies." ♪ thank you, tipton and tetley for being my favorite couple on "the bachelor pad." i like to pretend your names are lipton and tetley, because i'm a huge fan of iced tea. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] ♪ thank you, transition lenses, for making me look like richard belzer on overcast days. [ laughter ] this is our final thank you note. [ audience aws ]

>> audience member: we love you. >> jimmy: thank you. [ laughter ] that's all i needed. just a little love, that's all. ♪ thank you, conversations about football, for always sounding like you are about something dirty. and to all the nfl teams out there, good luck scoring penetration deep in the other side's end zone and remember, go for the sack. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there you have it. those are my thank you notes, everybody. we'll be right back with nathan lane! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] when you start with simple ingredients,

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kleenex® brand hand towels. male voice: ooh! green tea with citrus. i could use a lift. you gonna finish that? hmm? well, how 'bout that? dude, fish have ears, you know. announcer: lipton--drink on the bright side. fish: sheesh.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to our show, everybody. and thank you so much for watching. we are doing something cool on "late night" next week. it's going to be broadway week. we will have performances from some of the hottest shows on broadway right now. "memphis," "promises, promises," "american idiot," "bloody, bloody andrew jackson" and much more. so check out the shows all next week. [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be cool. you want to buy tickets when you come back at christmastime.

we couldn't do brought way week without our first guest to kick it off. he's a two-time tony award-winner who is currently playing to packed houses "the addams family" musical. please welcome the king of broadway, nathan lane, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nathan lane! finally, you are here. >> jimmy, jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm so happy you're here. >> before we go into the phony show business banter, let me say to you, congratulations on the great success, the tremendous success, of the show and doing a bang up job of hosting the emmys. [ cheers and applause ] that's always a difficult task. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's great coming from you.

>> i look like i'm on a job interview and it's not going to work out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you look fantastic. >> it's very sad. whenever i come to glorious 30 rock, i am painfully reminded that in 1981, probably before you were born, i did a situation comedy right across the hall called "one of the boys" starring the legendary mickey rooney and dana carvey. >> jimmy: i think we have a picture. >> no, you're kidding. >> jimmy: "one of the boys," look at this. >> oh! >> jimmy: "one of the boys." [ laughter ] >> wow. >> jimmy: and dana is hamming it up there. isn't he? >> that's why we were canceled. [ laughter ] so, we were right next door and i don't want to say the show was bad, but they showed episodes at guantanamo to get the prisoners to talk. [ laughter ] one of the reasons they shut it down. >> jimmy: scatman cruthers was in that. >> scatman cruthers, who is a wonderful character actor, who you might remember him from "the shining" and many movies and television shows. and he's a great --

there he is. oh, yeah. and yes -- i'm glad i could take you down memory lane. [ light laughter ] and one morning, he was in amazing shape in his 70s at the time and he always looked so fit. and this one day, you know, making conversation over coffee, i said, "tell me, scatman, what is your secret?" words i never thought would come out of my mouth, "tell me, scatman, what is your secret?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: scatman. >> "how do you stay so young." he said, "nathan, i'll tell you, every morning i take a nice, hot shower and then i smoke a big -- joint. [ cheers and applause ] and then i'm ready to face the day." [ laughter ]

he was going green way ahead of his time. >> jimmy: before it was cool. >> i loved him. i loved scatman. >> jimmy: you are killing it on "the adams family." >> oh, "the addams family." it's unstoppable. like a virus. they tried to stop us. but they can't. it's no secret that "the addams family" was -- how shall i put this? not well received in certain circles, like the earth. [ light laughter ] but it has been embraced by the audiences and turned into a big success, a big hit. >> jimmy: actually we talked about it quickly backstage, but i had to present at the tony's. i got the opportunity to present at the tony's and i asked you for help. and you were so nice. you gave me help and -- >> you had a joke. what was it? >> jimmy: i didn't belong there. what am i doing at the tony awards? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i've never been on broadway, can't come close to broadway. never done anything like that. >> you do a lot of musical stuff. you could definitely be in a musical. >> jimmy: no. [ cheers and applause ] >> music is a big part.

>> jimmy: we wrote up some bit for me. >> and it wasn't funny. >> jimmy: it was okay. >> it wasn't funny. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i go, "what about this? what do you think of this?" and we worked out a bit. i go, "what if i said i had to get here, i had to make out with elaine stritch"? and you were like, "that's great." i go, "i almost had to host." it worked much better at the tony's. [ light laughter ] maybe it didn't, but i think it did. >> it was a good joke. >> jimmy: you gave me advice. i thought that was so cool. >> that's what i try to do. it's all about helping the young people, jimmy. all about helping the young people. >> jimmy: you really are a helpful person. but it's all summer that you've been doing that? no, you've been -- >> well, i had a big bed bug infestation. [ light laughter ] yeah, i know. it's all over new york, the bed bugs. you heard about it? >> jimmy: giant. >> well, one impromptu sleep over and these things happen. [ laughter ] but this is a very severe strain of bed bugs. they farted, they snored. [ laughter ]

you couldn't hear it, but you smell it. we tried everything. we tried washing, we tried extermination, and nothing worked. and finally, i thought about the pied piper of hamlin and the notion of music soothing the savage beast. and it turns out the only thing they responded to were the mellow sounds of johnny mathis. [ laughter ] not the christmas stuff so much, but the romantic stuff. >> jimmy: "chances are." >> all of that. i put on his greatest hits, they all marched out, they formed a huge heart. [ laughter ] they swooned and died of teeny, tiny broken hearts. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's how you cure the problem! [ applause ] now we know. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: you are going to be on, i'm very excited about this, "modern family," one of my favorite shows. you're going to be on. >> yes. the season premier, september 22nd. yes, i was lucky enough to be asked. [ scattered cheers ] >> jimmy: can you tell who you play? >> yes, this will be a shock.

i play a rather flamboyant character. [ laughter ] his name is pepper saltsman. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pepper saltsman? oh, my gosh. >> and he is the dash of pepper. he is a great friend of cameron and mitchell played by eric stonestreet and jesse tyler ferguson. they sort of met at one of his parties. apparently, he throws these elaborate theme brunches where people have to get into costume. so they are trying to avoid going to his brunch and, you know, hijinks ensue. >> jimmy: you performed recently for the president. >> i did. >> jimmy: so cool. >> yes, on pbs in october. a broadway celebration and performance at the white house as part of a music series they've done. so, we all went down and they -- i wanted to fly down and then people said to me you should go by train. it's really great and it's only three hours, about the same amount of time and they made it -- you start to think about

the train and it seems romantic. you know? "murder on the orient express." [ light laughter ] you know, you think of a train. yes, black and white movies. >> jimmy: laurel and hardy sleeping in the same bunk. >> dining cars. >> jimmy: that's what i think of. is that what you think of when you think of trains? >> yes, men sleeping in bunks together. [ laughter ] so, ultimately you wind up at penn station. [ laughter ] you are in "a passage to india." and people trampling over the elderly and children to get to their trains. and they had this thing called the acela express. and i don't know why they call it express, because it makes about 12 stops. [ laughter ] so it's false advertising, but they do this thing to sort of lull you into thinking it will be better. because they have the acela express first class lounge. that had all the ambiance of an otb. [ laughter ] so, people lying in chairs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the first class

lounge. >> the first class longue. so, then we get into the first class car and it's freezing. it's really cold. so there is like a steward or stewardess, you know? i said, "i'm sorry, it's cold in here, would you mind turning it down?" and she said, "uh-huh." looking at me like, "this one's gonna be trouble." and i look around and there are people putting on mohair sweaters, parkas. really seasoned acela express travelers who seem to know more about it. so, it's going to be cold. so, anyway, the head steward comes by and i said, "look, i don't want to be a bother, but it's really cold. could we turn down the air." he said, "sure." he says, "are you still married to sarah jessica parker?" [ laughter ] and i think he's kidding and i say, "yeah. i don't know how she puts up with me." [ laughter ] so then he goes on and on about sarah and how nice she was on the train when she was making a movie. and 20 minutes in, i said look, before we start reminiscing about "ferris bueller," i'm not

matthew broderick. and he will be really upset when he hears this, because he thinks he is a lot thinner than i am. [ laughter ] so then he looks at me and he looks really disappointed and he walks away and i'm sure turns up the air conditioning. [ light laughter ] then i hear a voice behind me going, "mr. lane! mr. lane! mr. lane!" this goes on for about an hour. [ light laughter ] and then he makes his way around. it's sort of like a zach galifianakis character. >> jimmy: beard? >> looks like a sort of homeless man, but very flamboyant. you know, zach galifianakis does the flamboyant homeless man. "hi. would you like to see my box?" [ laughter ] think about it. anyway -- [ applause ] "would you like to see my box? in this corner, i like to entertain. [ laughter ] here's where i poop."

and anyway, so, he says, "mr. lane, i want to thank you for all the years of laughter you have given me." i said, "well, you are very welcome. thank you." he said, "i saw you one time in a television show, i don't remember what it was, but you were talking to someone and doing something and it was satirical and it was very funny. and it was satire. and it was very, very satirical. and it really made me laugh. and it was satirical." i said, "oh, well, how about that. glad you liked it." and then, suddenly he went from smiling, because he knew the conversation was over and he went into a dark place. [ light laughter ] he suddenly looked like tony perkins in "psycho." [ laughter ] he slowly made his way back to his place, staring at me in this very dark fashion. like, "let me introduce you to my friend, mr. machete." [ laughter ] so then he sits down and i think, "taking the train was the wrong idea." [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: so, you went back to the first class longue, where your friends were like, "how are you doing, buddy?!" how did the white house turn out? >> the white house was great. a lot wonderful -- elaine stritch performed. >> jimmy: you know her very well. >> you know her very well. you made out with her. >> jimmy: yes. >> i'm sorry, i just had an image. [ light laughter ] let me get it out of my head. >> jimmy: i don't want to get it out of my head. >> okay. i know, she's hot. >> jimmy: she is. >> she's so hot. >> jimmy: how old is elaine? >> how old is elaine? well, i don't think she would mind, 'cause she's said it herself. she is 85. 85 but smoking. [ light laughter ] so, this is like a conversation in a retirement home. [ laughter ] "you know who i like? elaine stritch!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "i have a poster of her on my wall." >> "i would like to take my teeth out and get to know her better."

[ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: you guys, "the adams family" is at the mark fontaine theater here in new york. you can see nathan on the season premier of "modern family" september 22nd on abc. [ cheers and applause ] nathan lane, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] the kardashians join us next. come on back. [ applause ] ♪ pepsi max, please. ♪ why can't we be friends? good song. great song. ♪ why can't we be friends? so, pepsi max has zero calories, huh? yep. ♪ how many calories? zero? zero? zero. ♪ what are you doing? youtube. oh. ♪ why can't we be friends? ♪ why can't we be friends? [ male announcer ] pepsi max. zero calories, maximum pepsi taste. dove clinical protection. at last, prescription-strength wetness protection, beautified with dove moisturizers...

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. my next guests are stars of a reality series, "keeping up with the kardashians." they have a brand new clothing line called k-dash that launched today on qvc. please welcome kris jenner, kourtney and kim kardashian. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you guys look great. thank you for coming back to the show. where is khloe? >> we lost khloe. >> jimmy: you lost her back stage.

>> we don't like her anymore. we are fighting with her. >> jimmy: you are not fighting with her at all. >> oh, that was last week. >> khloe is in turkey, because lamar has usa basketball. >> i think they won a gold medal. >> they did? >> yeah. >> i was just texting lamar before i came out. he didn't even tell me. >> usa basketball, gold medal everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: really? >> i think they're lying. >> maybe i made that up. >> you don't get the medal or even who knows for, like -- >> we're just kidding, everybody. >> jimmy: he did not win the medal yet, everybody. there you go. [ audience aws ] but they are on their way. two more games left. thank you, appreciate that. last time i saw you, kim, we sang at the emmy awards. >> yeah, we did. it was a great duet. jimmy got me to do something that no man has gotten me to do before. [ cheers ] to sing. >> i think you guys should start a singing group.

>> jimmy: what's that? >> i think you guys should start a singing group. >> what would it be called? >> jimmy and kimmie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, we'll start there and we can go from there. were you guys nervous? were you guys nervous? >> no, you don't get 10%, but kourtney will because she thought of the idea. >> exactly. >> jimmy: crazy. always fighting. crazy. [ light laughter ] do you guys get nervous? >> i was so nervous. thank god kim sounded good. 'cause that could have been a scary moment. >> jimmy: what were you doing? >> well, i thought i would just get sick. i thought if she opens her mouth, she could possibly sound like a frog or nothing will come out. i never heard her sing before. she said, "i'm going to sing." so, we were driving to the emmys and i said let me be jimmy and you be kim and we're gonna run your lines. like, "i will sing his part and you sing your part." she's like, "mom, please." she would not even let me run lines.

>> it was one line. >> i was so nervous. >> jimmy: you don't have to be nervous. we have a clip of our performance at the emmys. >> no way. >> jimmy: here it is. ♪ they don't have writers and they don't have plots they're the only thing on tv that people still watch ♪ ♪ reality [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was fantastic, your voice sounds great. >> i wouldn't say fantastic. but it wasn't awful, not fantastic. >> audience member: encore! >> jimmy: encore, they want to hear it again. [ scattered cheers ] they love that reality sound. no, i don't want to make you nervous. god, the show is gigantic. i'm such a fan of the show. i'm so happy you're on your fifth season? >> yes, fifth season. >> jimmy: god, that's amazing. congratulations to you guys. [ applause ] it's worldwide. it's crazy. you are on the cover of every single magazine out there. >> i think this week says scott is writing a tell-all and like when someone is homeless, slept with the pool boy and someone is adopted. and i was like, "who is this?" i read it. it said i was homeless.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you are like, "i'm the one sleeping with the pool boy, duh!" [ laughter ] get your facts straight. kourtney's homeless. and ryan seacrest produces the show? >> he's an executive producer along with myself. >> i knew she was going to say that. >> well, hi, i want a little credit. i actually created the show, took it to ryan and within 30 days we were filming. it was really great. >> jimmy: why did you take it to ryan. i know he's a business man. he's got a lot of stuff going on. he's a smart guy. >> i have a girlfriend dina katz who happens to be the casting director of "dancing with the stars." and she was -- her and i were talking one night over dinner and she said they are looking for some kind of a project. and i said, "i would love to pitch him our show." and so, within days we were in front of him and the rest is history. >> jimmy: home run. and now you have a clothing line. what is this qvc k-dash? >> well, we have a line, kourtney, khloe and i, that we have been in the works creating for a long time now and we're selling on qvc.

>> jimmy: your mom is in on this? 10%, come on! >> i know, i get 10%. >> of course she gets 10%. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> thank god. >> but she doesn't design it with us. anything else about the line? >> and we sell it live on qvc. they have actually both sold on qvc before, but -- >> kourtney never has. >> i have to do it alone. >> i hope that goes well. everyone, please call in, because i'm really nervous for kourtney. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what happens when you're alone on qvc? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: are you like larry king? [ light laughter ] >> i've done it before. >> jimmy: sit across a desk, no audience. like, "now, tell me about your product!" [ laughter ] >> actually there is no one there. she has to be set up and talk to the audience. and it's pretty scary, because there are numbers in a corner like reading off of how many products have been sold. you want to -- it goes to spike if you say something like i sold my fragrance. it's hard to sell fragrance -- >> jimmy: so, if you say the magic word -- >> so, if i say the magic word and the thing will go up and

they're like say it again. it's scary and nerve racking. so, i hope kourtney does a good job. because she's calm and i don't know how she will feel. >> i'm dying to know what the magic word will be. >> you don't know, it just happens. >> jimmy: i think it will be cinnamon. [ laughter ] just throw it out and see if the numbers spike. that's a lot of pressure. 'cause then you'll just keep repeating yourself. like, "hey, i'm just calling, because i think you're going crazy." i keep hearing the same word. what is the line? what are you selling? what is the thing? >> it's a clothing line that the three of us designed together. it's a basic for your wardrobe that takes you from day to night. >> leggins and jeggins and cute sweaters. >> blazers -- jeggins are jean leggins. >> they are leggings, but jean denim. >> jimmy: that's all my pants. [ laughter ] i wear nothing but jeggings. they are so comfortable. >> they are. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they're great. i have a freddie mercury line. [ laughter ] >> now you can have the k-dash line even though we don't make them for men yet, i will give you some jeggings.

>> jimmy: you will? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's very, very good. and that's only on qvc only? but also in rockefeller center you have like some set up, like a store. >> a pop up store. that's where we will be tonight. kourtney and i will be selling live on qvc but from the pop up store. we will have a quick store. come join us please! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very quickly, a pop up store, it's something that we all should know. what is that? >> it's a temporary store that they set up for a night or a week. it's a temporary location. >> jimmy: how fun is that? you have your own store. >> and qvc is putting it together tonight, because it's the fashion night out. >> jimmy: cool. well, i'll be stopping by. i will have a drink with you guys and get some jeggings. [ light laughter ] more with the kardashian when is we return. we will play a quick game. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ where other hammers can only dream of going,

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm back with kourtney and kim kardashian and their mom, kris jenner. now, i want to play a little game to see how well the girls know what their mom really thinks of them. okay? you each have a sign that says, "kourtney" on one side and "kim" on the other, okay? i'll ask you questions and you gotta pick which girl you think your mom would say. okay? and we'll see if your answers matches kris', okay?

ready? >> yeah. >> jimmy: who is the moodiest, kim or kourtney? >> what? [ laughter ] >> it's me? no, you are the moodiest. you are. she's consistent. >> you tell me you hate kourtney half the time, that she -- [ laughter ] >> here we go. -- make this a therapy session? >> jimmy: okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. all right, ready? >> that's shocking. shocking. >> jimmy: who is the smartest? [ laughter ] wait a minute, mom. but you and i say -- >> i meant this. >> kourtney is book smart but you and i think exactly alike, businesswise so why would you go and play -- >> exactly. if there one that's like 50/50 -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, you can do that. you can pull the half -- there ya go. >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, very good. who is -- >> in different ways. >> jimmy: who is the worst driver? [ laughter ] wait, why? what happened? this is unanimous. >> she crashes every car. she just doesn't care about

other people's cars so i'll have like rims and she'll just drive it and be like --my rim's like cracked in half and falling off and she'll -- "it's the car." like, she just like doesn't have -- >> no but she's a bad driver. she's sloppy for sure but she's a bad driver. >> i'm not sloppy. [ laughter ] >> you're sloppy. >> jimmy: the question was not "who's sloppiest?" okay, here's another -- who has the best taste in men? [ light laughter ] >> i think she'll say that one. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very good, okay. and then finally -- who has the best voice? >> oh, oh -- >> jimmy: yeah. that's what i'm talking about, yeah. >> kourtney would say herself. >> jimmy: kourtney said herself? i love it. >> kourtney recorded a song once and she plays it over na dover. she thinks it's like the best song. >> it was a joke. >> no it wasn't. everyone tells me that -- [ laughter ] >> 100% it was a joke. >> why, oh why? >> jimmy: wait, wait -- wait, you played your song over and over again as a joke? >> no, as a joke. it was fun. >> i don't think it was a joke. [ laughter ] >> what are you talking about? >> jimmy: no one thought it was a joke. what is your song? >> no, you put it on a cd that you made for me -- like a mix. >> absolutely not. >> jimmy: you don't have the

name. you don't wanna do it at all? >> i don't wanna do it. >> no. >> jimmy: you don't? come on -- does anyone -- mom? >> no. mom can sing it. >> what are the words? >> it's -- baby, i'm -- fallin' in love with -- >> first of all, i didn't even make it -- >> baby, i'm falling in love with you. >> jimmy: wait, so "baby" -- what? >> i didn't even -- >> baby, i'm falling in love with you. >> -- the dumbest story. >> -- and she just sang on the hook of the song. it was so -- >> jimmy: and it's -- ♪ baby, baby i'm fallin' in love with you baby, baby, i'm falling in love with you ♪ >> yeah. ♪ baby, baby i'm fallin' in love with you baby, baby, i'm falling in love with you ♪ ♪ baby, baby i'm fallin' in love with you baby, baby, i'm falling in love with you ♪ ♪ baby, baby i'm -- ♪ >> come on. no, you -- >> baby, i'm falling in love with you. >> jimmy: oh, there you go, all right. there ya go. kris jenner, kourtney, kim kardashian. check out their new clothing line, k-dash, on qvc and their show, sundays at 10:00, on e! chris gethard's up next. there he is in the bud light

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a very funny man who stars alongside chris parnell and horatio sanz in comedy central's new show, "big lake." please welcome chris gethard, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you, buddy? >> wow, i'm great. >> jimmy: nice to see you. >> thanks. i've never heard that song before that features my name.

i gotta google that. >> jimmy: they changed the words. yeah, that's the theme from "silver spoons." >> oh, even better. >> jimmy: yeah, but changed "together" to "chris gethard." >> wonderful. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: great. >> super-psyched about that, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, you look psyched. welcome back to our show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you did a test show for us before we were on the air. >> yes. >> jimmy: you were nice enough to come and help me practice my interview skills. >> yes, but i'm glad to be here now. my mom couldn't see the test show. she can see this. she's excited. she sent me an e-mail this morning that said, "i'm so happy you're on a show with nathan lane. your father has always said you remind him of nathan lane" and i was like, "news to me." [ laughter ] "in what way?" and then she said, "watch out for those kardashians. they get pretty wild." [ laughter ] but she did say that kim is the nice one. >> jimmy: really? >> my mom -- >> jimmy: they're all nice. >> yes. >> jimmy: they're all nice. >> oh, they were -- >> jimmy: you met them backstage. >> lovely, lovely people. >> jimmy: yeah. >> my mom's fears were unfounded but that's just how she is. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your mom is fine.

last time you did come here, you were not n the show. you just came because -- you're a giant fan of morrissey. >> yes. >> jimmy: the singer morrissey. >> you had morrissey play, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, morrissey fans out there. you're a giant fan, always been a fan? >> yeah, i've been a fan of morrissey since i was like 14. i'm a very sad person and sad people love morrissey. [ laughter ] i won't deny that. many issues with anxiety and sadness, so morrissey really speaks to me. love the guy. [ cheers ] thank you, other people who are depressed, cheering. [ laughter ] always good when you can get the depressed to cheer. >> jimmy: we have a picture -- we a picture of -- here -- there's -- you met morrissey and here's him giving you an autograph on your arm. i met him backstage. he signed my arm. >> jimmy: it looks like you're fighting him, almost. >> oh no, never. [ laughter ] i was fighting my own urge to pour my heart out to him. i was like, "oh my god, i love your music so much! thank you." and he was like, "oh, hard to believe." and i was like, "you're just like morrissey." you know? [ laughter ] very nice. >> jimmy: but then, the cool thing about his is -- 'cause after he wrote his autograph on your arm, you went and got it tattooed. yeah, i turned around to my buddy and i was like, "dude, i have to get this tattooed, right?" and he's like, "your other option is to not get it tattooed and you're not doing that!" and i was like, "what does that

mean? but let's do it!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> i got the tattoo, yeah. >> jimmy: can we see the tattoo? >> yeah, absolutely. >> there you go. >> jimmy: wow. yes. yeah you did it. >> yeah, the only bad part is when i got the tattoo, i'd been dating a girl for five years and we've since broken up, so now, every time i date a girl, i have to eventually explain why it says "morrissey" on my arm. >> jimmy: you just say that you're a sad person. >> yeah, but then they're like, "i don't wanna date a sad person" and i'm like, "well, i get that, have a great life." [ laughter ] i understand that. why would you want to? >> jimmy: i understand, yeah. totally understandable. >> yes, i come with intense baggage -- [ laughter ] bye bye. >> jimmy: now dude, i -- i follow you on twitter because -- of course, i'm a fan of "big lake" on comedy central. you and horatio sanz, chris parnell. you're nailing that show. it's so good. >> thank you, sir. >> jimmy: but on twitter, i find it rally funny -- you've started, kind of a friendship with -- with p. diddy. >> yes, i have. >> jimmy: i do a show at the ucb theatre, here in new york, called "the chris gethard show." it's a talk show and i was like,

"we really need to kick this up. i'm gonna get a celebrity to come on the show, so i started harassing diddy on twitter. [ light laughter ] and i have this group of followers, called the "geth tards" who do whatever i ask them, so they all started harassing him as well and he actually wound up calling me on the phone, on new year's eve. >> jimmy: no. >> and he says he's gonna do my show but he hasn't shown up yet. the phone call was incredible. the way the phone call ended, he was like, "yeah, i 'll come do your show, it sounds really positive and awesome." i was like, "thank you so much. i can't believe you would od this." and he goes, "ask and ye shall receive," and hangs up the phone. [ laughter ] it was amazing. >> jimmy: that's it? >> "ask and ye shall receive." >> it was incredible. >> jimmy: he went medieval on you, man. >> yeah, i was like, "that illustrates everything that's different about me and diddy. [ laughter ] in every way." >> jimmy: cause you could never hang up the phone like that? >> yeah, i'm always like, "oh, okay, good bye, great talking -- yeah, thanks for the time." you know what i mean? and he was like, "ask and ye shall receive. i'm out." baller. you know what i mean? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's incredible.

>> jimmy: that's it. >> but he hasn't done the show yet. like every six weeks, i ll get a mysterious twitter direct message from him that's like, "if i'm in new york, i'm gonna do your show next time." and then, he doesn't show. and i'm just praying he does it. i would love it if he did it. >> jimmy: let's get everyone on twitter to get behind you on here. now, it's september 18th is your next show? >> yes, the paintball punishment comedy challenge, unfunny -- if comedians are unfunny that night, we will shoot them with paintballs on stage. [ laughter ] thank you. >> jimmy: diddy won't be harmed. will he be harmed at all? >> diddy will not be harmed. i'm willing to say on national tv, if diddy shows that night, he can shoot unfunny comedians. he can shoot my friend, don fanelli, whoever he wants. he can shoot 'em all. with a paintball gun. >> jimmy: okay, very good, so it's -- if you guys go on twitter, it' -- tweet "iamdiddy" and tell him to do the september 18th show with chris -- chris gethard and put a hash tag "#diddygethard." >> yes, "#diddygethard." >> jimmy: yes, it spells out -- my last name phonetically does spell the words "get hard." [ laughter ] it spells "diddy get hard." yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, our thanks to chris gethard, everybody. we'll be right back! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪